Provided by James R. Martin, Ph.D., CMA
Professor Emeritus, University of South Florida
Jokes Main Page
1. Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved onto the next street, working furiously all day without a rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it-why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?" The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed,"Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
2. One Saturday afternoon a man was cutting his grass when he noticed his perky attractive blonde neighbor come out of her house, walk to her curbside mailbox, open it, abruptly close it and quickly walk back into her house. A while later he’s still cutting grass, and he sees her again walk out of her house. She goes over to the mailbox, open it and this time she slams it shut and storms back into the house. Having finished cutting the grass and now trimming the hedges, he sees her once again come out of her house and head for the mailbox. She opens it, then really slams it shut almost knocking the box off the post. This time he walks over to her and asks “I don’t mean to pry, but why do you keep checking your mailbox and each time become so upset?” She replies, Oh my darn computer must be malfunctioning. It keeps telling me that I have mail, but when I check, my mailbox is empty.”
3. So the two blonde girls were having an evening cocktail on the veranda, when one asks the other, “What do you think is closer, the moon or LSU?” “Duhhh!” said the other blonde, “Can you see LSU???”
4. At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as 'Lover's Lane' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?" "Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed. "And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued. "Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure he had one of them real fancy Mazdas."
5. There was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes! I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals." One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?" "N", she answered.
6. A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says; “Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?” The big woman replies; “Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know something. I’m blond, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I’m a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. Also the blonde woman sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 220 pounds, and she’s a professional wrestler. And next to her is a blond who is 6"5", weighs 250 pounds, and she’s a professional kickboxer. Now, do you still want to tell that blond joke?” The guy thinks about it a second and says; “No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it three times.”
7. The doctor was examining a young blond model who was having tremendous pain in her side. "My dear, you have acute appendicitis," the doctor said. The woman became quite angry and said, "Don't try hitting on me doctor, I just want to be examined, not complimented."
8. A blonde has just gotten a new sports car and is out for a drive when she accidentally cuts off a truck driver, who's been on the road far too long. He motions for her to pull over. When she does, he gets out of his truck and pulls a piece of chalk from his pocket. He draws a circle on the side of the road and commands the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!" He opens her car and cuts up her leather seats with his Leatherman Tool. When he turns around she has a little grin on her face. Infuriated, he says, "OH, you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she begins to giggle. He is really mad now and proceeds to slash all her tires. Now she's laughing out loud. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is doubled over with tears running down her cheeks. Enraged now, the truck driver screams, "You're crazy! What the hell is so funny?" Through fits of laughter, the blonde replies, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle."
9. Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'." The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable’"?" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow. Come-for-da-bull."
10. A cute blonde named Brandi found herself in dire trouble. Her business had gone bust and she was in serious financial straits. She was so desperate that she decided the only way out was to ask God for help. She began to pray, "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night came and Brandi did not win. She prayed again, "God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business and my house, and now I'm going to lose my car." Lotto night came, and Brandi still had no luck. Once again, she prayed, "Dear Lord, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car, and my children are starving. I don't often ask for help, and I have always been your faithful servant. PLEEEEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly, there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened and Brandi heard the voice of God himself. "Brandi, work with me on this. Buy a ticket."
11. Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.
12. A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
13. A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
14. A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "Helllooooo. . . ," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs."
15. A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
16. In the swim-meet, after the blond came in last competing in the breast-stroke, she complained to the judges that “all the other girls were using their arms.”
17. A blond couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!" The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island." There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here." As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something." "Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? You idiot! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go out to Coney Island?"
18. A young blonde was friendly, and eager to do things right. She had just started her first job and her first task was to go out for coffee. She walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed her she held up the thermos."Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" he said. The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me.""Good," she said. "Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."
19. A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game. "I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said. "What do you mean?" he asked. "Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"
20. The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his blonde secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
21. A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now.”
22. Blonde: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor." Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous." Blonde: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor." Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?" Blonde: "In the pool."
23. Why don't blondes use 911 in an emergency? Because they can't find "eleven" on the phone dial.
24. Two blond carpenters were working on a house. One was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood. The other carpenter couldn't stand it any longer and yells up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?" The first carpenter explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!" The second carpenter got real excited and called her all kinds of names, and yelled "Don't throw those nails away that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!"
25. A counterfeiter spent all day making funny money. At the end of the day she realizes that she had spent all her time making $15 bills. She figures that the only way she's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change the phony money for real cash. She travels to a small town in West Virginia and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. She goes to the blonde behind the counter and asks her, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?" The blonde replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An 8 and a 7 or two 6s and a three?"
26. The blonde inmates in a prison had a joke book they all had memorized. The way they recited jokes was by the number of the joke. Some inmate would call out a number from one to one hundred and all would laugh. A new blonde in the prison, after studying the book, said she wanted to tell a joke. They said, "Okay, shoot!" She said, "Number 10," but nobody laughed. She said "This is funny. What's wrong; why aren't you laughing?" An inmate nearby said, "Some can tell them and some can't."
27. “Strip down facing me,” a woman said. A blonde man followed her instructions but soon realized that her instructions were for swiping his credit card. He’s no longer allowed in the grocery store.
28. How do you make a blonde’s eyes twinkle? Shine a flashlight in her ear.
29. A blonde CEO asked one of her employees to write an entertaining twenty-minute speech for a presentation at a very important convention. When the CEO returned she was furious . “Why did you write an hour long speech? Half the audience walked out before I finished!” The employee replied, “ I wrote a twenty-minute speech and I gave you two extra copies.”
30. A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
31. A beautiful blonde was having a bad day at the tables in Las Vegas. Down to he last $100 and completely exasperated, she cried, “What in the world should I do now?” The man sitting next to her suggested, “Why don’t you play your age?” So she put all her money on 29, and when 36 hit, she fainted.
32. During a recent password audit by a company, it was found than a blonde employee was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento. When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said: “Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital.”
33. A blonde went duck hunting with her boy friend. A flock of ducks flew over and the boy friend shot one down. The blond walked over, looked at it and said, “That was a waste of bullets to shoot that duck. The fall alone would have killed it.”
34. One night a man approached a blonde at a bar and said, “I couldn’t help but notice you from across the bar. You’re gorgeous. Could I get your number so I could call you sometime?” “Sure, you can find it in the phone book,” the woman replied. “But I don’t know your name,” the man said. “That’s in the phone book too,” she answered.
35. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
36. A blonde college student wanted to earn extra money one summer, so she went door to door asking for odd jobs. Eventually, a man asked her to paint his porch. After working for a couple of hours, she knocked on the door. When the man opened the door she said, “I’m finished painting, but you don’t have a Porsche, it’s a Lexus.”
37. A blonde was returning a pair of glasses that she had purchased for her husband. The clerk asked, “What seems to be the problem with the glasses ma’am?” “I bought them for my husband, but they don’t work,” she replied. “He’s still not seeing things my way.”
38. A blonde woman was speeding down the highway in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. “What does it look like?” she asked. The policewoman replied, “It’s square and has your picture on it.” The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked in it and handed it to the policewoman. “Here it is,” she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK, you can go, I didn’t realize you were a cop.”
39. A man picked up two beautiful blonde woman at a bar and took them to his apartment for a party. Just out of curiosity, the man asked them if they were sisters. “No,” one of the blondes said, blushing, “we aren’t even Catholic.”
40. A blonde woman was on trial for armed robbery. When the jury foreman announced, “Not guilty,” the woman shouted, “That’s awesome! Does that mean I can keep the money?”
41. A young blonde woman told her mother that her boy friend had recently passed the bar exam, so they were going to get married. Her mother asked, “Don’t you think you should wait until he’s been practicing for a year or so?” The blonde responded, “Oh Mom, we’ve been practicing.”
42. A man approached a blonde woman at a bar and asked her how many beers it would take to make her dizzy. “About four or five,” she replied, “and don’t call me Dizzy.”
43. On their honeymoon a blonde bride slipped into sexy lingerie and with great anticipation crawled into bed. Finally she got up and found her Catholic husband on the couch. When she asked why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, “It’s Lent.” In tears, she sobbed “That’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard! Who did you lend it to?”
44. A man was in bed with a blonde woman when they heard a key in the front door. Frightened, the blonde looked at the man and said, “It’s my husband, Quick, jump out the window.” The man responded, “Are you crazy, we’re on the 13th floor.” The blonde exclaimed, “What? This is no time to be superstitious!”
45. On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and blonde wife in New Jersey were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through.” So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through.” The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....” Suddenly the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?” Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all good men exhibit, the husband replied... “Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time.”
46. “It’s for my husband,” a young blonde said to a gun store clerk while shopping for a rifle. “Did he tell you what gauge to get?” the clerk asked. “No silly, he doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.”
47. A blonde boxer was getting the tar beaten out of her by her opponent. As she was being counted down by the referee for the fourth time, her manager said, “Stay down till eight.” “Okay,” the dazed boxer said, “What time is it now?”
48. A blond walked into a bar and said to the bartender, “A glass of your finest Less, please!” “Less?” the bartender said. What is it, some kind of foreign beer? “I’m not sure,” the blonde replied. “My doctor told me about it. He said I should drink Less.”
49. A blonde tour guide was showing a tourist group around Washington D.C. When they reached the Potomac the guide pointed out where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the river. One of the tourist said “That’s impossible, no one could throw a coin that far!” The guide answered, “You have to remember, a dollar went a lot farther in those days.”
50. A woman who was three months pregnant fell into a coma. Six months later she awoke and asked the nearest doctor about her baby. “You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine,” said the doctor. “Luckily, your brother named them for you.” “Oh no, not my brother!” she said. “He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?” “Denise,” the doctor replied. “Okay, that’s not so bad,” she replied, “What did he name the boy?” The doctor replied, “Denephew.”
51. “I put my SOB ex-husband through medical school,” a blonde said. “That’s nothing. I made my ex-husband a millionaire,” a redhead replied. “Really?” the blonde asked. “What was he before?” The redhead responded, “A billionaire.”
52. What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts? Change.
53. A blonde was new to guard duty at the main gate of a naval base. She had been given strict orders to admit only vehicles with a special permit. When she attempted to stop a car who’s passenger was an admiral, the officer told the driver to ignore the guard and drive on. The blonde responded, “I’m sorry sir, I’m new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?”
54. When a man could not find his bags in the luggage area he went to the airport lost luggage office to get help. A blonde worker told him that they were highly trained and would find his bags. Then she asked, “Has your plane arrived yet?”
55. A man told a blonde coworker that his son had just turned 18 months. The blonde asked, “Is that like a year and a half?” The man said, “You really aren’t sure if 18 months is a year and a half?” The blonde responded, “How am I supposed to know that? I don’t have any kids.”
56. A manager caught a blonde coworker helping herself to company trash bags and asked her why she thought she could take the bags. She responded, “Well, they’re just going to throw them away.”
57. A blonde job applicant was filling out a job application. When she came to the question, “Position wanted,” she wrote “Sitting.”
58. A blonde was filling out an application for college. One question asked the applicant to state his or her church preference. Her response: “Red brick.”
59. A blonde asked the waitress to take back part of her
order. The waitress asked, “What’s wrong with it?” The blonde responded,
“It’s the hash-browns. They taste like potatoes.”
60. A blonde took a
seat on an airplane next to an old man. As she sat down she plopped a
one-year-old child on her lap. When the child began to cry and fidget, the
old man said, “That kid is spoiled isn’t he?” The blonde mother’s response,
“No, not really. They all smell like that.”
61. A blonde man dialed 411 and asked the operator, “I’d like the phone number for Martha Smith in Atlanta, Ga. The operator replied, “There are multiple listings. Do you have a street name?” The man said, “Most people call me Slick.”
62. A blonde was at an airport ticket counter and asked to buy a round-trip ticket. The ticket agent said, “Where to?” The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Duuuh, back here.”
63. A blonde walked over to a security guard and said, “Your escalator is broken.” The security guard asked, “Which escalator is it?” The blonde leads the guard to the top step and says, “See broken.” The security guard responded, “Those are stairs Mam.”
64.A blonde told a friend that she was happy that a new car wash had opened in the neighborhood. Her friend asked why that made her happy. She responded, “Because I can walk to it.”
65. A blonde was painting a baby’s room in a parka and mink coat when
her husband came home on a hot summer day. He asked her why she was so
heavily bundled up. She responded, “I wanted to do a good job and the
instructions say, ‘For best results put on two coats.’”
66. A blonde walked into an electronics store and asked the clerk, “Can you show me an ovulating fan?” The clerks quick response, “You don’t want one of those fans, it only works once a month.”
67. A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down……The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde."What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!" "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
68. Two women, a blonde and a brunette, were eating breakfast in coffee shop. A cell phone rang several times. The brunette asked, “Why don’t you answer your phone?” The blonde replied, “It can’t be mine. No one knows I’m here.”
69. A hold-up man walked into a fast food restaurant and said, “Give me all your money.” The blonde behind the counter responded, “To take out.”
70. A woman ordered a hot chocolate at a restaurant and the blonde
waitress brought her a Hershey bar and a match.
71. A helpful waiter
said to the blonde customer, “Now with that entree, either a white wine or a
light red would be appropriate. What may I serve you?” The blonde responded,
“It doesn’t matter, I’m color blind.”
72. Kodak introduced a single-use camera called the Weekender. A blonde customer called the support line to ask if it’s okay to use it during the week.
73. A blonde waitress brought a customer’s order to the table with her thumb over his steak. The customer said, “Are you crazy, you have your thumb on my steak.” The waitress responds, “What, you want it to fall on the floor again?”
74. A state trooper stopped a blonde who had been driving well beyond the speed limit. When she rolled down her window he asked, “Do you know how fast you were going?” The blonde replied, “I was just trying to keep up with the traffic officer.” The trooper responded, “There is no traffic.” “I know,” replied the blonde. “That shows how far behind I am.”
75. A young couple walked into a pet store to buy a kitten for their 6-year old daughter. The wife told the blonde clerk that they didn’t have much money and asked if she would let one go cheap. The clerk said, “I’d let them do that ma’am, but they prefer to meow.”
76. A blonde went to city hall to register to vote. The clerk asked, “When is your birthday?” She replied, “August 15.” The clerk asked, “What year?” The blonde said, “Every year.”
77. A postcard from a blonde friend on vacation read, “Having a wonderful time. Where am I?”
78. A brunette secretary told a blonde secretary, “I know how to get some time off from work.” The blonde said, “How?” The brunette climbed on top of the file cabinet, grabbed the ceiling fan and just hung there. The boss walked in and asked what she was doing. The brunette said, “I’m a lightbulb.” The boss responded, “You need some time off.” The brunette got down and walked out. The blonde started to follow her and the boss asked, “Where are you going?” She replied, “Home, I can’t work in the dark.”
79. A blonde was standing in line at the Post Office and appeared to be speaking into an envelope. When she got to the counter, she opened the envelope and said, “Goodbye, Dolly,” sealed it and handed it to the clerk. The clerk asked, “What were you doing?” The blonde replied, “I’m sending a voice mail.”
80. A blonde teenager brought a new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They were upset by his leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. Later, the girls mother confessed to her daughter that they didn’t think the boy was very nice. The blonde responded, “Oh Mom, if he wasn’t nice why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?
81. A blonde was standing in front of the judge who said, “The charge is the theft of six dresses. Are you the defendant?” “No sir,” the blonde responded, “I’m the one who stole the six dresses.”
82. A blonde had all the windows in her house replaced with energy-efficient ones. A year later, the contractor called to complain that he hadn’t received payment for the windows. The blonde replied, “You can’t con me, the salesman promised that after a year the windows would pay for themselves.”
83. There’s a blonde who takes a ruler to bed to see how long she sleeps. She thinks a quarterback is a refund, and that she can’t use her AM radio in the evening. She told a friend to meet her at the corner of Walk and Don’t Walk. At a party she climbed on the roof because she heard the drinks were on the house.
84. A blonde man whose wife was going into labor dialed 911 in a panic. When the dispatcher answered, he cried, “My wife is having a baby. What do I do?” The dispatcher said, “Calm down. Is this her first child?” “No,” the man answered. “This is her husband.”
85. A blonde called 911 and said in a whisper, “There’s a prowler in my backyard.” The operator quicky responded, “Give me your address and I’ll send the police right away.” The blonde thought for a minute and said, “I would, but don’t want to get involved.”
86. A blonde was about to make a call at a telephone booth. Looking at the people waiting in line behind her she said, “I won’t be long. I just want to hang up on him.”
87. A blonde woman told a friend that she bet twenty-five dollars on a football game and lost fifty dollars. Her friend asked, “How did you do that?” The blonde replied, “Well, I lost twenty-five dollars on the game and twenty-five on the replay.”
88. One day a blonde drove up to the local bar in a new sports car. Everyone came outside to see the new car and wanted to know what happened. She explained, “I won the lottery. For three nights I dreamed the number eight. Then I realized three times eight is thirty-two. So I picked numbers 8, 8, 8, 3, 2 and won.” One man responded, “Three times eight is twenty-four.” “Oh,” responded the blonde, “I guess luck can’t do math.”
89. A blonde entered the Indianapolis 500. She made nine pit stops: four for fuel and tire changes and five to ask for directions.
90. A blonde found that her difficulty making even the simplest decisions was causing her problems at work, so she decided to seek professional help. The psychiatrist began slowly, “I understand you have trouble making decisions. Is that true?” The blonde’s brow furrowed. “Well,” she finally answered, “Yes... and no.”
91. Two telephone company crews were assigned to put up telephone poles in a training exercise. The first crew of all men put fifteen poles in the ground. The second crew of all blonde women placed only four poles in the ground. When the foreman complained, the blond crew chief responded, “But look at how much they left sticking up out of the ground.”
92. A blonde was driving along the highway and approached a service station with a sign that read, “Clean Restrooms.” So she did.
93. A colonel was chatting with a young blonde second lieutenant in the officers’ club when a major approached coughed discretely and said he’d like to speak to the colonel about a matter of importance. “Go ahead,” said the colonel. “I’d rather not in front of the lieutenant, sir,” murmured the major. “Well,” observed the colonel, “spell it then.”
94. “I think my wife is going crazy,” a blonde man said to his friend. “She seems to be terribly afraid that someone’s going to steal her clothes.” “What makes you think that,” his friend responded. “Well,” the man continued, “ when I came home the other night she had hired a man to stand in the closet and guard them.”
95. A blonde woman spent many hours learning to fly, but when she took her first solo flight she had trouble landing the plane and ran off the runway into a field. When her instructor ran to the plane to see if she was okay, she said, “Boy that’s a short runway.” Her instructor responded, “Yes, but look how wide it is.”
96. A blonde got a job as an elementary school counselor. One day at recess she noticed a boy standing by himself at the end of a field, while the other kids were playing soccer. She asked if he was all right and the boy said he was fine. Still worried about the child she asked, “Why are you here standing all alone? The boy replied, “Because I’m the goalie.”
97. A blonde was standing in front of a soft drink machine muttering, “You are a dumb-looking button. You don’t have much of a future, either. You’re going to be replaced by a much better looking button.” “What are you doing?” her friend asked. The blonde pointed to the sign on the front of the machine that read, “Depress Button for Ice.”
98. A young man bought his blonde wife a cell phone for their first wedding anniversary. She was thrilled. The next day her phone rang while she was out shopping. “Hi hon,” her husband said, “how do you like your new phone?” “I love it!” she replied. “But there’s one thing I don’t understand.” Her husband responded, “What’s that baby?” “How on earth,” she asked, “did you know I was at Wal-Mart?”
99. An old blonde woman was sitting on her front porch when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand. “What’re you selling,” the woman asked. “I’m not selling anything,” the young man said. “I’m the census taker. Every ten years we try to find out how many people there are in the United States.” “Well,” the woman responded, “you’re wasting your time coming here, cause I have no idea.”
100. A man called a plumber and asked the blonde receptionist, “What’s the best way to keep water from coming into your house?” The blonde thought for a minute and said, “Don’t pay the water bill.”
101. At a party a man asked a blond why she kept empty beer bottles in the refrigerator. She said, “They’re for my friends who don’t drink.”
102. A man got a call from his blonde girlfriend. “I’ve got a problem. I bought a jigsaw puzzle, but none of the pieces fit together and I can’t find any edges.” “What’s the picture of,” he asked. She said, “It’s a big rooster.” “Okay,” the man responded, “I’ll come over and take a look.” When he got there, his girlfriend showed him the puzzle on the kitchen table. “For Pete’s sake Lucy,” he exclaimed, “put the cornflakes back in the box.”
103. A blond woman had handled herself fairly well on the witness stand during an accident case. In an attempt to rile her into giving a contradictory statement, the insurance-company lawyer began asking insinuating questions. “And I suppose, Miss Wilkins,” he sneered, “as the elevator was falling, all your past sins flashed before your eyes.” “That’s silly!” she snapped. “The elevator only fell forty floors.”
104. An attorney examining a blonde witness in an accident case asked, “What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? She responded, “Gucci sweats and Reeboks.” Continuing he asked, “Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?” “No sir,” she replied, “This is how I dress when I go to work.”
105. What does it mean when a blonde writes TGIF on her tennis shoes? Toes go in first.
106. A blonde was late for a meeting on her first business trip. Her boss called her hotel room. She apologized for being late but explained that she had a problem. “There are only three doors in my room,” she cried. “One’s a closet door, another is the bathroom, and the third has a do not disturb sign on it.”
107. One Saturday morning, a man took his blonde wife deer hunting for the first time. After he had given her some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told her she should fire her rifle three times and he would come to her aid. Shortly after they separated, he heard the signal. Arriving at the scene, he found his wife standing over a carcass and a very nervous-looking man staring down her gun barrel. “He claims this is his,” she said. “She can keep it, she can keep it!” the wide-eyed man replied. “I just want my saddle back.”
108. A human resource interviewer was discussing job opportunities with a blonde applicant. After the applicant indicated the wage level she was interested in, the interviewer said, “You’re asking for a very high wage for someone with no experience.” “Well, I think that’s a fair wage,” the blonde replied, “since the work is a lot harder when you don’t know anything about it.”
109. Two blonde golfers found themselves at a foggy par three where they could see the flag but not the green. Each one hit solid shots. When they walked on the green, one of their balls was six inches from the cup. After some searching for the other ball, they found it in the cup. They both claimed the ball in the cup was their ball since they both played Titleist number threes. To settle it, they decided to ask the pro for a ruling. After the golfers explained the situation to the pro, he looked at the balls and asked, “Okay, who was playing the yellow one?”
110. A blonde and her college roommate were talking about the type of man they would like to marry. Her roommate said, “I don’t want one of those beer drinking fraternity boys we have on campus. I want a man with both feet planted firmly on the ground.” The blonde responded, “That’s silly. How would he put his pants on and off?”
111. “I thought you’d be thrilled,” the struggling model’s roommate scolded, “to have the casting director say you’re perfect for the perfume commercial.” “I would be,” the girl replied, “if the fragrance weren’t called Bimbo.”
112. A blonde woman applied to become a police officer. Since her uncle was the police chief, the interviewer overlooked her lack of qualifications and posed only one examination question. “Who shot President Lincoln?” he asked. “Hmmm,” the woman pondered. “May I think about it?” “Sure, come back tomorrow,” the interviewer replied. When the woman returned home, her mother asked, “Did you get the job?” “Yes,” she replied happily. “They already have me working on a case.”
113. A blonde sheriff’s deputy caught a tourist driving too fast and pulled him over. She walked up and asked, “Where are from?” The man replied, “Chicago.” “Don’t pull that stuff with me,” the deputy said, “your license says Illinois.”
114. A blonde woman who’s phone had gone dead said, “I don’t know what happened. I kept getting these calls from someone named Betty Low.”
115. A blonde woman was complaining to a friend: “Nothing in my size fits me anymore.”
116. A shoe clerk responding to a woman who kept insisting that she had very tiny feet. “Okay, let’s start with the larger sizes and work down until we get that stab of pain you’re looking for.”
117. A blonde woman was receiving a ticket from a state trouper who said she had been going 90 miles per hour. She responded, “I didn’t even realize that there were than many miles in an hour.”
118. After a head-on collision with a male motorist, a blonde motorist said, “You had no right to assume that I had made up my mind to turn left.”
119. A woman gave the following instructions to her hairdresser: “Tint the gray hair black, color the black hair blond, then put a streak of gray through the center so it will look natural.”
120. A blonde woman who was told that she might be having twins was very anxious. When questioned about her apprehension she responded, “I don’t think I can stand being pregnant for 18 months.
121. Blonde boss’s memo to employees. “I treat the following actions as required, but not mandatory.”
122. Jack, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Jack took the money.
123. Blonde bride shopping for dinning room furniture: “And to think they made this beautiful table out of those crinkly little walnuts.”
124. A blonde secretary was puzzled by an entry in the doctor’s notes on an emergency case that read: “Shot in the lumbar region.” After a moment of thought she brightened and, in the interest of clarity, typed into the record, “Shot in the woods.”
125. A blonde woman was asked by the prosecuting attorney, “What gear were you in when the crash took place?” She responded, “A beret, two-tone shoes and a gray flannel suit.”
126. A blonde woman driver to traffic cop: “Officer, does this ticket cancel the one I got this morning?”
127. A woman told a friend, “I was sobbing my heart out when I told him I can’t see you any more, I can’t let you hurt me like this again! Then my trainer said, “It was a sit up. You did one sit up.”
128. A blond on a United flight to Toronto had purchased an economy class coach seat, but sat in the first class section. Several flight attendants told her to return to her seat, but she refused saying, “I’m blond, I’m beautiful and I’m going to Toronto.” Finally the Captain was called to get the woman to move back to her original seat. He whispered something to her and she quietly walked back to her seat in coach. Everyone was amazed and asked how he did it. He said, “It was easy. I’m married to a blond and know how to talk to them. I just told her that the first class passengers were not going to Toronto.”
129. A blonde went to visit her husband in prison. On her way out she told the guard to stop working her husband so hard. The guard said, “Are you kidding? All he does is eat and sleep.” The blonde responded, “I know that is not true. He just told me he’s been digging a tunnel for months.”
130. There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .. 'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.' 'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
131. A frantic young blonde calls out a mayday. "My pilot has had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly." She hears a voice over the radio saying, "This is air traffic control and I hear you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. Everything will be fine! What is your height and position?" She replied, "I am 5'4 and I am in the front seat. After a long pause, "Okay" says the voice on the radio. "Now, repeat after me." "Our Father who art in heaven…..
132. A blone walked into an electronics store and said to the salesman, "I want that TV." The salesman said, "We don't sell to blones." The blone left and came back later after changing her hair color and said, "I want that TV." Again the salesman said, "We don't sell to blones." The blone said, "How did you know I was blone?" The salesman replied, "Cause that's a microwave."