Doctor Jokes

Provided by James R. Martin, Ph.D., CMA
Professor Emeritus, University of South Florida

Jokes Main Page

1. A neighbor saw his next door neighbor running one day and was surprised because the guy had never run before. The next day he saw him running again and on the third day, the neighbor was skipping down the street. When he inquired of his neighbor what was going on, the guy said he had been to the doctor who gave him some pills and told him to take one two days running and skip one.

2. A man rushes into the veterinarian's office carrying his dog, thoroughly distraught. The vet examine's the dog's still, limp body and sadly informs the man that the dog is dead. Agitated, the man demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and places the cat on the table with the dog. The cat walks from head to toe sniffing the body and looks up at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says,"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks your dog is dead, too."Resigned, the man says,"Okay, how much do I owe you?""Three hundred fifty dollars,"the vet says."Three hundred fifty dollars just to tell me my dog is dead?",asked the man. The vet replied, "Well, it was only $50 for the diagnosis. The other $300 is for the cat scan."

3. Having been summoned home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone and I had to call several times before he would even answer it.” Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the pharmacist, and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.” “This morning the alarm clock didn’t go off, so I was late getting up. I left without breakfast and hurried out to the car. I then realized that I’d locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get them.” “On the way to the drug store I was driving a too fast and got a speeding ticket. Then, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.” “When I finally got there, a bunch of people were waiting for me to get to work. I got the store opened and started helping those people; all the time the darn phone was ringing.” He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of dimes against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.” “Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. All she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.” “And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.”

4. "Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news," the doctor told his anxious patient. "You only have six months to live." The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. "I can't possibly pay you in that time." "Okay," the doctor said, "let's make it nine months."

5. Chinese Doctor clears up our misconceptions about food and diets.

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy? Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Doctor’s final word on American’s nutrition and health.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...
The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

6. A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa… “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that’s the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”

7. A young MD was doing his residency in OB. He was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. A middle-aged woman upon whom he was performing an exam suddenly burst out laughing. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said. " I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . "No doctor but the song you were whistling was.. I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

8. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman came in with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry... we had to mow the lawn."

9. A doctor placed a stethoscope on a slightly deaf elderly woman's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," he instructed. She replied "Yes, they used to be."

10. “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” Erma Bombeck.

11. “All my doctor does is send me to other doctors. I don’t know if he’s really a doctor or a booking agent.” Unknown.

12. An elderly patient told his doctor that he would like to have his sex drive lowered. The doctor replied, “Sir, at your age your sex drive is mostly in your head.” “I know doctor,” the man said, “That’s why I want it lowered.”

13. A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

14. A man goes to the doctor and complains that he’s having the same dream every night. “One night I’m tepee, the next night I’m a wigwam. “Wigwam tepee, wigwam tepee, over and over. What’s wrong with me doc?” The doctor thought for a minute and said “I think you’re too tense.”

15. A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O.K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 'Oops!'

16. “What’s the definition of minor surgery? An operation performed on somebody else.”

17. A pregnant woman with her first child, shyly said to her obstetrician, “My husband wants me to ask you a question.” “Is it about sex during pregnancy?” the doctor replied. “No, that’s not it,” the woman said. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”

18. “I can’t find a cause for your illness,” a doctor told an old male patient. “I suspect it may be due to alcohol consumption.” “In that case,” the old man responded, “I’ll come back when you’re sober.”

19. A man is sitting on the table in an examining room of a doctors office waiting for the doctor to return. A nurse opens the door and says, “The doctor will be with you in a few minutes. He’s trying to figure out what disease goes with your insurance.”

20. “Doctor, I’m losing my memory,” a man said. “What should I do?” The doctor answered, “Pay in advance!”

21. A physics professor was explaining a complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him. “Why do we have to learn this stuff?” the young student said. “To save lives,” the professor replied. “How does physics save lives?” asked the student. “Physics saves lives,” the professor answered, “because it keeps certain people out of medical school.”

22. A man ran into his dermatologist at a bar, “Did that mud pack I gave you improve your wife’s appearance?” the dermatologist asked. “It sure did, the man replied, “but it keeps falling off.”

23. A man came into a dentist’s office and said, “Can you help me? I think I’m a moth.” The receptionist said, “You don’t need a dentist, you need a psychiatrist.” “Yes, I know” the man said. Then the receptionist asked, “So why did you come here?’ The man replied, “the light was on.”

24. A man scheduled for an appendectomy was running down the hallway in a hospital. A friend stopped him and asked, “What’s the matter?” He said, “My nurse just said, “Don’t worry. It’s a simple operation. I’m sure it will be alright.” His friend said, “She was just trying to make you feel better. What’s so bad about that?” “The man replied, “She was talking to my doctor.”

25. A man went to a doctor and complained, “When I woke up this morning I put on a pair of white gloves and called my wife Minnie. On the way to work I couldn’t help singing, ‘Hi ho off to work I go’. And at the office I called my boss Grumpy. What’s the matter with me doctor?” The doctor thought for a minute and said, “I believe you’re having Disney spells.”

26. A medical doctor and an HMO manager were at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter asked them what they did on earth. The doctor replied, “I healed people.” Saint Peter said, “You may enter.” Then the HMO manager said, “I helped people get cost-effective health care.” Saint Peter said, “You may inter, but you can only stay two days.”

27. A joke from the seventies: A man went to his doctor and complained, “Doc, can you help me? Every time I drive by the park, I start singing The Green, Green Grass of Home. Every time I see a kitten, I sing “What’s new pussycat? What’s wrong with me?” The doctor replied, “It sounds like you have a case of Tom Jones syndrome.” The man said, Is that common?” The doctor sang, “It’s not unusual.”

28. A delusional man who thought he was dead finally agreed to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist spent several weeks trying to convince the man that he was still alive, but nothing seemed to work. Finally the psychiatrist tried one last approach and convinced the man that dead men don’t bleed. After the patient agreed that dead men don’t bleed, the psychiatrist took a pin and pricked the patient’s finger. When a small amount of blood appeared, the psychiatrist asked the patient, “What does that tell you?” Looking at his finger, the patient exclaimed, “Oh my goodness! Dead men do bleed.”

29. Two psychiatrists were driving down a country road and stopped when they saw a man who had been attacked and left bleeding in a ditch. One of them said to the other, “We must find the man who did this. He needs help.”

30. A man with a split personality went to a psychiatrist. After the first session he asked for a group rate.

31. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.

32. A psychiatrist was pleased to convey his final diagnosis to a female patient, “You know, in this profession we rarely use the word cure, but after ten years of therapy it is my pleasure to pronounce you one hundred percent cured.” To his surprise, the woman appeared to be very unhappy. “What’s wrong,” the doctor asked. “This is a triumph for both of us. “I thought you’d be thrilled.” “Well, it’s fine for you,” she said sadly, “but look at it from my perspective. Ten years ago I was Joan of Arc. Now I’m nobody.”

33. A man walks into a doctor’s office just as a nun is running out screaming and crying. The man asked the doctor, “What’s with the nun?” The doctor says, “Oh, I just told her she’s pregnant.” The man says, “Really, the nun’s pregnant?” The doctor answers, “No, but it certainly cured her hiccups.”

34. A doctor looked up from the patient’s test results and said, “I have some good news and some bad news.” “Well,” the patient responded, “give me the good news first.” The doctor replied, “We’re going to name a disease after you.”

35. A man who had been in a mental institution for many years seemed to have improved to the point where he might be released. In an interview with the head of the institution, the doctor asked, “If released, what would you do with your life?” The inmate said, “I would no longer want to be a nuclear physicist because the stress of that job caused my problem. Perhaps I would teach to help develop a new generation of scientist. Or perhaps I could write a book on science, or a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution.” The psychiatrist responded, “Those are all interesting possibilities. Is there anything else you might do?” “Well if those don’t work out,” replied the inmate, “I could always continue to be a teakettle.”

36. It was the first day on the job at a rural hospital for a nurse not long out of nursing school. One of her first assignments was to obtain a urine sample from two men in one of the hospital rooms. She handed the sample containers to the patients and said, “I’ll be back in ten minutes for your samples.” When she came back to the room, one of the men held his sample up and said, “This doesn’t look right. I’m going to run it back through again.” Then he drank the sample. The nurse was so upset, she ran out of the room to seek advice from her supervisor. When the young nurse and the her supervisor came back to the room, the men were laughing at the joke. The fellow with the empty container said, “It was just apple juice!”

37. A man came home from the doctor’s office looking very worried. His wife asked, “What’s wrong?’ He said, “The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life.” She said, “So what? Lots of people have to take a pill every day their whole lives.” “I know,” he replied, “but the doctor only gave me five pills.”

38. The doctor explained to the heart patient that he would be able to resume his love life as soon as he could climb two flights of stairs without becoming winded. The patient listened attentively and asked, “What if I could find a woman who lives on the ground floor?”

39. Mr. Smith was in dire need of dental work, so Dr. Jones performed a series of dental implants over a three month period. After many months, Mr. Smith had paid only a third of the bill, ignoring the remittance notices and threats of collection agencies from the dentist. Finally, the desperate dentist enclosed a snapshot of his three children in a note that read, “Dear Mr. Smith. Here’s why I need the money you owe me.” Dr. Jones was thrilled when an envelope arrived from Mr. Smith the next week. Opening it, he found a photograph of a gorgeous woman. Scrawled on the bottom was a note that read, “Dear Dr. Jones. This is why I can’t pay.”

40. An elderly fellow went to the doctor for an examination. The doctor said, “You’re going to have to give up about half of your love life.” “Which half?” the man asked, “thinking about it or talking about it.”

41. After a local veterinarian and a taxidermist went into business together they hung out a sign that read: “Either way, you get your pet back.”

42. After the doctor examined a patient, he went out to talk to the man’s wife. The doctor said, “I don’t like the looks of your husband.” The wife said, “I don’t either, but he’s good to the children and he’s a good provider.”

43. A man goes to his doctor and hands him a note that says, “I can’t talk! Can you help me?” The doctor replies, “Yes, put your hand on the table.” When the man does so, the doctor drops a large medical book on the man’s thumb. The man yells, “AAAAAAAA!” “Good,” says the doctor. “Come back tomorrow and we’ll work on B.”

44. At the peak of the cold and flu season a family doctor was giving a record number of penicillin injections. Tacked to the door of his inner office was a notice: “To save Time, Please Back into the Office.”

45. Doctor reading a resolution at the annual medical meeting. “All in favor stick out your tongue and say, “Ah.’”

46. Notice in a doctor’s waiting room: “Please do not remove magazines from the office. The nurse will tell you the end of the story.”

46. Patient to doctor: “I’ve lost my will to live - accept on weekends.”

47. “Dr. Hopson, you have to come right away,” the frantic woman said to the psychiatrist. “My husband is in real bad shape. Please hurry.” The doctor arrived quickly. “Oh, Doc, thank goodness you’re here,” the woman sobbed. “Just go down the hall. He’s in the bathroom room on the left.” The psychiatrist went down the hall and saw the woman’s husband sitting on the toilet dangling a fishing line in the bathtub. “Mrs Brown, you’re right,” the doctor told the woman. “He’s in very bad shape. Why didn’t you call me sooner?” “I would have,” she replied, “but I’ve been cleaning the fish all week.”

48. Doctor, you have to help me!” came the frantic phone call to the psychiatrist. “My husband thinks he’s in the opera. He sings night and day at the top of his lungs and he’s driving me crazy!” “Send him to me first thing in the morning,” the shrink replied. A week later, the wife called again. “I don’t know how you did it,” she said gratefully, “but my husband is barely singing anymore. Did you cure his delusion?” “Not exactly,” the psychiatrist replied. “I just gave him a much smaller part.”

49. After submitting to X rays, electrocardiograms and blood tests, the anxious patient waited for the doctor’s opinion. “Howard,” the physician began, “I have good news and bad news.” “What’s the good news?” “My son has been accepted to the Harvard School of Medicine.” “And what’s the bad news?” “You’re going to pay for it.”

50. Mr. Glass was terribly overweight so his doctor put him on a diet. “I want you to eat normally for two days, then skip a day,” the physician said. “Repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should be down five pounds. When Mr. Glass returned, the doctor was delighted with his rapid weight loss. “You look great. Did you do this just by following my instructions?” Glass nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day.” “From hunger?” “No,” replied Glass. “From all the skipping.”

51. A man complained to the hospital that after his wife had surgery, she lost all interest in sex. A hospital spokesman replied, “Your wife was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct her eyesight.”

52. There was an old Doctor named Geezer, who did house calls and had a sign saying: “Treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000." There was a young, hi-tech doc in town who wanted to eliminate the competition. So, he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic and posed as a patient with no insurance.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth." can you help me ?
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, bring me medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: “Ugh! This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Voilà, You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young left mad but goes back in a couple of days to recover his money.
Dr Young: "I have lost my memory and can’t remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 & put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor Young: "No you don't, that’s Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That’ll be $500."
Dr. Young is now out a $1000 and really angry and goes back after a week.
Dr. Young: "I think I’m going blind; I can hardly see!”
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have a cure for that so here's your $1000 back."
Dr. Young: "But this is only $500."
Dr. Geezer: "Way to go! You got your vision back that will be $500."